Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999) Review

Star wars Episode 7 is here! as if you could miss it (Seriously Disney have spared no expense in marketing this one) so in preparation like any good nerd i watched the previous films.

But i must confess, this was the first time i had ever seen episodes I, II and III.

For over 15 years i had been putting off watching them, but with some helpful prodding i gave in, so from a fresh point of view here is the phantom menace review.

The Phantom Menace, a film about a couple of Jedis going ‘round the universe doing good. Whilst saving a Queen they come across a small boy who has the potential to bring order to The Force.

As they are bringing order and peace to the Republic, there are people who are meddling in matters that will undoubtedly end badly. Luckily Chancellor Palpatine is there to aid the Queen and help her and the Jedis bring peace to Naboo. What could possibly go wrong?

well lets look at the head scratching moments that follow from this point on-wards:

The robots, aka R2-D2 and  C3PO, Anakin, approximately 8 – 10 years old, makes C3PO in his spare time. Forgetting that Anakin is a slave AND he also pod races, he must NEVER sleep.  No wonder he grabs onto the first person he sees to talk nonsense to them!

The force is explained here, taking the mystery away from the few who possess it and its all about who has certain blood cells? (Ok so like X-men in space?)

And then we find out Anakins father was the Jesus of Tatooine, alright then.

The technology in the past is better than in the future according to star wars, even if the droids have just as bad aim as the storm troopers.

And then the main reason i refused to watch the films for so long (Sigh) Jar Jar Binks. I cannot explain Jar Jar enough so people can realize how much one character can ruin a movie franchise as much as he did.

They killed the best character in the movie.  A double-ended lightsaber, wielded by an actual alien from a race we haven’t seen, kills Qui-Jon, who could quite easily have been grooming Anakin for the child sex trade! There is a lot you can forgive, but not killing Darth Maul! (Bet there were a lot of tears at his funeral. But who did he leave the lightsaber to?)

But the worst part of this film has to be the acting, how did Lucas gather such a stella cast and have them all act like blocks of wood?, too many frowny faces and one dimensional dialog.

Honestly everyone just looks bored, there isn’t just any emotion here (Liam Neeson raises his voice for no one!)

This is with the exception of young Anakin who is just delighted about everything! oh look sand, awesome!, oh wow something shiney! hey a creepy dude in a robe take me with you Mr! (Enthusiasm overload!)

I wanted to like this, i really did, but its just awful. The only redeeming part is the speed racer sequence. but other than that i’m sorry but i am at a loss to say anything positive here.

But in order not to piss off the nerds i will be generous and award this film out of five possible stars:

✪✪ (One for each end of darth mauls lightsaber)

What did you think of episode 1?

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